Needy Community Members

[Susie]

Many times in an online community, there is at least one member who has such heavy problems that it can drag down the entire group. Let's face it... there are people who just thrive on sympathetic attention, and others who thrive on giving it (usually while chastising others for not caring enough).

Have you experienced this? How do you handle it? How do you balance the goals of your community with being a caring leader? How do you keep the needy members from sucking the life out of your group? Have you ever needed to actually verify that the person was telling the truth?

[Danielle]

We had the wonderful option of "ignore posts" for members to use. It made the posts from anyone they added to their list to show up as "deleted post". If anyone complained about those "virtual Eeyores", we had to tell them to use "ignore posts" and remind them that support boards are for support of all different kinds..that some people are so comfortable with the group that they see it as a place of refuge to rant and rave freely. We also reminded them that support of a virtual hug is free.

We weren't allowed to verify the validity of anyone and if we did, it was considered a waste of time (even if it was on our own). To entertain the idea that the person may or may not be legit was considered a waste of time. They were, after all, contributing to community and that was the ultimate importance according to the policy manager. Which brings up the question of responsibility... is it the site's responsibility to protect members from those who are lying or is it the responsibility of the members to protect their own selves?

It has also always fascinated me how two people can have almost the same situation and story on two different groups and get two different reactions. Person A will have complete sympathy...the community will get together and raise money, send gifts and always ask them how they're doing. Person B will get a few replies in the beginning but eventually get little to no attention and rarely have anyone inquire (and the inquiries are usually because a clique likes to laugh at the person's newest issues).

[Susie]

Hi Danielle,

Your last paragraph was especially interesting to me. I think the differing reactions are usually about the person's demeanor in the first place. If they happen to mention some sort of problem in passing, people tend to respond. If it's an obvious "please pay attention to me" thing, the mocking will begin. You're so right about the cliques, too!

I've had one in Second Life lately that is SUCH an Eeyore. She is just ALWAYS negative. Depending on what her mood is, she hates men, her child, her family, her friends (she has some??), her neighbors... who knows. It's always too hot, too cold, too snowy, too windy. Of course, everyone has complaints now and then, but this one is so over the top, it's amazing. I tend to just listen, try to encourage her (it's impossible), or gently tease her about the problem of the day. Really doesn't matter what I do, though... she's choosing misery!

[Maxxwell Tomorrow]

Great observation. It's a tough situation and here is another question!

So a person puts them self out there with their issue or problem, some members as you said are very sympathetic while others play devils advocate and tell them to stop whining. If a person puts their trials and tribulations out there for a bunch of strangers to read do they take the good with the bad? I say yes, if a person is going to post a personal drama they need to be aware not everyone will be sympathetic.

[Danielle]

I think that's why a site has to be very careful about touting their communities as places of support. It gives the illusion that laying it out there will get you exactly that - support. I've heard that argument many times over the years and I always encouraged people in this way... you're not always going to agree with the person's circumstances or actions but how you express that is going to make a difference in whether you're heard and make a difference in their lives or whether you become a part of the background noise. You can still express yourself in a way that is supportive without supporting their actions. I've seen some brilliant posts that do just that.

[Christopher]

Hi. First post as a member here.

Oh man, am I well-familiar with this issue.

I wish I had a specific, "one-size-fits-all" answer, but I simply don't. Each case being unique, my peers and I just have to wing it. Although, as Danielle mentions, the "ignore" function is an option.

I frequently "nudge" the needy person with occasional, terse but friendly suggestions about their interactions and comportment. In fact, I've noted that really, a lot of them merely need someone to vent to, and post-vent they are better.

Btw, I am a Senior Moderator (simple longevity, really) at Space Dot Com. As you can imagine, we get a lot of terribly smart, vocal personalities there, and it's a large Message Board.

[Susie]

Hi Christopher! Welcome!

..."terribly smart, vocal personalities"... a moderator's nightmare! It's the smart ones that will never give up, and will talk, talk, talk, until a moderator is ready to cry in frustration!

(Now if only I could say that my only experience in this area is from the moderation side of things. hehe.)

[Christopher]

Mea Culpa there. :)